Archive for the 'breastfeeding' Category
Protected: The end of breastfeeding
Published April 11, 2009 breastfeeding , Sarah Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Breastfeeding twin at 2 1/2 years
Published March 19, 2009 breastfeeding Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Nursing mothers’ room
Published March 3, 2009 breastfeeding Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Breastfeeding twins at almost 26 months
Published October 30, 2008 breastfeeding Enter your password to view comments.Protected: One night off
Published July 16, 2008 breastfeeding , reading , sleep Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Public service announcement #2
Published June 23, 2008 breastfeeding , oy vey , sleep Enter your password to view comments.I wanted to write this post at 18 months and obviously didn’t. My notes at 18 months say “not much has changed” so maybe I did not have much to say. It always feels larger than life to write about breastfeeding. I just realized that in 2007, I have written only 4 posts with the breastfeeding tag (out of 58 total with that tag). Clearly it has become like many other things in our life, eating and dressing and bathing and snuggling, something in the background, whereas play and talking and singing are in the foreground.
At 15 ½ months I nursed four times a day, and Sarah about twice at night. Around March I dropped the pre-dinner nursing session. In the beginning it worked great when we were busy and out of the house, and was challenging if we were home (and hungry and tired). Sarah would start begging to “urse” and pull on my shirt, sometimes cry. I would occasionally do it when she was very upset (and then Jordan because he must have what she has), but now it has tailored off completely. Dropping that session was freeing for the whole family. Previously, if we made an evening plan, we would have to work around nursing (do we go home? Do we find a quiet spot there?). Now, we have much more freedom.
In May when the semester ended, I dropped the pre-nap nursing session. Kind of. I now do not go to daycare pre-nap. But on the weekends, Sarah almost always nurses before nap. Why deny her if we’re all home? Jordan did not ask to for the first two weeks, but now sometimes does if he’s with me pre-crib. I had worried about not visiting the babes mid-day, and I do miss it. I try to stop by and watch them from the booth (I think going in would be disruptive for them). I enjoy observing them and getting a glimpse of their daily activities.
When I do not nurse Jordan at nap, I ask Sarah to nurse on both sides, which she thinks is funny. The first time, she freaked out when I tried to pull her off early. But I explained, I need you to nurse on Jordan’s side, and she grinned and went for it. Now at naptime she will say “Dew dide, Dadan dide.” Sometimes at bedtime she will ask to nurse on “Dadan dide” with a huge grin. Jordan also knows his side, though never nurses on Sarah’s. At bedtime if I am holding Jordan with his head on my left, he will say “Mama urse” and then say “turn around” and flip himself around to the right. When he still nursed in the middle of the night, if I picked him up with his head to the left, he would automatically maneuver around as though from motor memory.
Perhaps the hugest, most life changing development is that Sarah does not nurse between 8:00 PM and 6:00 AM (okay, sometimes 5:00). I wish I could better describe how we got here. I had all types of rules for when she could first nurse, and whether I would soothe her in her crib or nurse her. I kept moving the time to nurse her later. Now if she wakes up before 6:00 I (occasionally Eric) will listen to the type of cry. If it’s mild, I wait her out and she usually puts herself back to sleep. If it sounds like true distress I go to her. She usually is standing and asks to nurse. I do not pick her up, but tell her to lie back down and I’ll put her blanket on. Last night around 4:30 I told her that Baby Dew needed a hug and she grabbed her and settled back down. In contrast, last Thursday night Sarah woke up quite hysterical at midnight. Eric and I took turns trying to comfort her in her crib with no success. Eric tried cuddling her but she screamed for Mama. I held her for an hour, and she kept trying to nurse, but I did not let her. That sounds cruel as I write it, but I want her to know that there are other ways to get back to sleep than nursing. I can still comfort her without nursing if she’s in distress. Around 1:30 I put her back in her crib. I probably could have calmly put her back in her crib at 12:10 if I had nursed her, but then I would risk returning to that pattern. I will not relinquish my longer nights.
Sometimes no one nurses before 7:00. Other times, Sarah wakes up in the 5:30 to 6:30 range and I nurse her. Often Jordan is silent and lying in wait, and when I walk in to get Sarah he springs up and starts begging, “Mama urse.” When I put them back down, they might go back to sleep (this morning until 8:00 AM, unprecedented), or they might be up for the day. But I usually have them hang out in their cribs even if awake until about 7:00.
At bedtime I always nurse one at a time. Jordan can be playful. Sometimes he comes off to say “Mama more urse” or to answer a question or once even “I wuv you Mama.” Sarah likes to interact, have me sing, or we play little games while she nurses. In the morning I sometimes nurse separately. The child getting dressed with Daddy may feel fine, or may act distressed waiting. Sometimes one babe waits patiently in their crib, dancing to music. Sometimes waiting in his crib Jordan will make demands, like “Wawah all done.” Sometimes when I pick up one the other one will request “Mama two babies.” At times I find tandem nursing very sweet, but if I am exhausted, I somehow find it more draining than one at a time (even if the other whines the whole time). The moments of setting up tandem can be frantic, with both kiddos getting worked up as though this time, I will make them lie in my arms and watch their sibling nurse rather than nurse them both. I now always use double cradle, with Sarah’s legs on top of Jordan’s. Once we settle in, it can be very sweet. They might trade toys, touch each others’ faces, or make each other laugh. At times I wonder if it is at all reminiscent of being in utero together, getting nourishment and comfort from Mama while snuggled in together.
Sarah shows no interest in weaning. I cannot distract her from nursing at the regular times. Jordan, I believe, would wean quite easily without Sarah around. I have had moments of thinking Jordan was weaning, and then he returns with gusto. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that he ended breastfeeding cold turkey. We will see what he does over time.
They clearly consume less than they used to. By 12 months, I weighed less than my pre-pregnancy weight (very close to what I like to call “wedding weight.”). In January, when I started dropping daytime feeds, my weight went up a couple of times then plateaued. I had another weight jump in the past 2 months when Sarah stopped night nursing and I dropped lunch nursing. I need to cut back my calorie intake, but it is way easier to increase than decrease. On the plus side, I can now wear normal clothes (if any fit) because I do not nurse in public.
Sometimes I realize I have become that woman who makes people say “ew.” You know the whole, breastfeeding is great, but I knew someone whose kids actually asked for it, and if you can ask for it, you’re too old. And now my children have the words for nurse and breast, and Sarah pulls up my shirt (sometimes in public), and talks about opening my shirt, or sometimes kisses my breast in public (the night I did not let her nurse she started trying to nurse through my shirt). When I started nursing people even asked me, “You won’t do it that long, will you?” What I said then was that I would try nursing and hoped it would work. Once it worked I said my goal was to last a year. After a year I said I would love to make it through the second daycare winter. I have no new goal. I am proud of what we have done. When it ends, I expect to experience some wistfulness, in part because they are my first and last babies. But as with other lasts I will remember the sweetest moments, become fuzzy on some of the tougher ones, and always feel good about how things turned out for us.
Protected: Naptime updates
Published May 6, 2008 breastfeeding , Eva , sleep Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Liquid lunch
Published May 5, 2008 breastfeeding , daycare Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Stomach bugs
Published January 8, 2008 breastfeeding , oy vey , sleep Enter your password to view comments.Yesterday, I used the last of the pumped milk. What a crazy feeling, after more than 15 months of pumped breast milk (though I haven’t pumped since September). Actually, the third to last set of 2 bags, about 6 ounces, we had to throw out because in the chaos of an understaffed day at daycare, they forgot to give it to the kiddos at snack time (at this point they had it once a week or less so it was not part of their regular routine). I don’t know who felt worse, me or the caregivers. Even still, I couldn’t say “it’s okay,” because really, though logically I know that it didn’t really make a huge difference, after everything I went through pumping early on, and the times I cried over less than an ounce spilled, it didn’t feel okay. I’m over it now though.
Considering that early on I had no idea if it would work and if we could sustain breastfeeding, getting past a year felt impressive. Up until 12 months, I was extremely proud to tell anyone and everyone that I was exclusively nursing. After 12 months though, I started to feel a bit of embarrassment when the topic came up, and I still sometimes feel that way. It seems that our society puts pressure on women to breastfeed during early infancy, and women who do not breastfeed often feel self-conscious about their situation. However, my sense is the tide shifts around 12 months of age, and people often judge women who continue breastfeeding. Despite feeling embarrassed when the topic comes up with colleagues or others I do not know well, I generally am happy and even proud of our continued breastfeeding. Research suggests that breastfeeding in the second year relates to fewer, and shorter duration, illnesses, as well as decreased allergies.
Nursing has changed for us in several ways, of course. Clearly it is no longer Jordan and Sarah’s primary form of nutrition (you should see how these children eat). They actually tend to linger a bit longer than they did around 6 to 12 months, in that they do not pop off to go back to playing, but want to hang out and snuggle and interact with me a bit more. Things that make them laugh while nursing are only funny in that context, and I believe they enjoy those quiet moments when they have me to themselves; it’s hard to get Mama alone when you’re a twin. I am conscious not to use nursing for soothing in the ways I used to. If someone hurts themselves, for instance, I calm them without offering them to nurse. Although I still nurse Sarah about twice in the night, I also make sure that they both know how to go back to sleep without nursing. It is important that Sarah and Jordan have coping mechanisms other that nursing.
When Jordan was sick I thought he was starting to wean. He no longer wanted to nurse at bedtime, so I would offer each night, he would say no, and we would move onto stories. Then one night I decided not to offer and go straight to stories, at which point he became upset and wanted to nurse immediately. Since then he has mostly nursed at bedtime though perhaps once a week he skips it. I take his lead. The other times of the day (morning, lunch, pre-dinner) he still wants to nurse. First thing in the morning (after sleeping 11 to 12 hours generally) he usually wants to nurse immediately; as soon as I pick him up out of the crib he points to the nurse chair and does not settle until we start. There was also a morning where he had nursed maybe 2 hours before, but he was very fussy and would not settle down. I asked “do you want to nurse?” and he immediately calmed down, just with the question (of course I then had to follow through). I think he’s beginning a slow and long process of weaning, though at times we seem to be where we were a few months ago. We will see how it develops.
Sarah shows absolutely no interest in weaning at this point. She wants to nurse when I visit her at lunch; as soon as we get home from daycare; at bedtime; and two times per night (though last night, only once, wohoo!). And first thing in the morning, she is quite insistent about nursing. The other morning when she woke up, we snuggled a bit before she nursed. She was comfortably resting her head on my shoulder in bed. But then she heard Jordan wake up in the next room, and she immediately started crying and trying to nurse. I’m pretty sure she realized that the queue was starting, and she wanted to be first in line. More than Jordan, she will ask to nurse extra times on the weekend, and can be quite insistent, lifting my shirt or nuzzling in. I try to distract her or offer other things, like water or a snack. But if she is very persistent I will nurse an extra time on the weekend. If Jordan sees Sarah doing it, he usually wants it, too.
I cannot judge how much milk they take from me these days. I do know that I no longer eat with impunity, so that’s one sign that intake has decreased. I do get engorged when Jordan goes 12 hours, though less than it would have been a few months ago. And there are times in the middle of the night that I hear Sarah gulping quite fast, though it may happen other times and ambient noise prevents me from noticing.
In general, I have so much more freedom than I used to. Because they only nurse once between 8:00 and 5:00 I have most of the day. If I have a meeting that goes over lunch time I just visit them early or later. Because they sleep better I do not have to be here after bedtime (even though I’ve left only a handful of times, it’s nice to know I can). I am not anxious to give up the lunchtime nursing. It would obviously free up my day in many ways (and give me 2 ½ hours of extra work per week). I like that I still visit them every day, and never go 8 hours without seeing them. Of course, I could plan to still visit them without nursing, but I like that I have to go see them. I know that if I did not have a physical reason, I would start to get distracted by work and would not make it there every day. Even though my work gets less attention than it should, I remind myself that they are little for such a short time, and work is always there.
I will continue to follow their lead and listen to their needs, and see how long we continue breastfeeding. For now, it still works for all three of us.
Protected: A long week (with video)
Published December 2, 2007 breastfeeding , sleep , together , video Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Food glorious food
Published October 25, 2007 breastfeeding , daycare , food , Jordan , language , Sarah , video Enter your password to view comments.A year of breastfeeding twins
Published September 17, 2007 breastfeeding , daycare , musings , nicu , photos , together 15 CommentsA year ago today we all came home from the hospital together. Sometimes it seems like only seconds, but then I look at them and how far they’ve come and it seems like forever.
Today marks another occasion: it is officially a year that Sarah and Jordan were exclusively nursed (exclusively if you don’t count peas, carrots, bananas, pizza, ice cream… and all the tons of other solids they’ve been having for almost 6 months). But a year with no formula. It isn’t a year from their birthday because they did get some formula in the hospital in addition to breast milk, when they were trying to fatten them up and waiting for my supply to ramp up, and I wasn’t with them 24 hours a day to help with that.
This post has been a long time in the making. The ubiquitous breastfeeding (twins) post. I started months ago. I wanted to tell my “breastfeeding story” from start to present. But I wrote a couple of pages and was still on the NICU experiences and couldn’t bring myself to return to it. And yet, I can’t bring myself to let the occasion pass without some kind of description of my experiences. So here it is, less saga-ish, more freeform.
And here’s the usual disclaimer. Everyone’s experience is different. I am not judging others who did not breastfeed due to choice or biology or circumstance. I’m not saying that if others did what I did it would have worked for them. I’m not trying to give advice, preach for what others should do, or detract from others’ experiences or challenges. I don’t know what it’s like to breastfeed a singleton, nor do I know what it’s like to have true obstacles to nursing or producing milk. I’m simply describing my own experiences.
Breastfeeding twins is by far the most physically and emotionally demanding thing I have ever done. I should say “was” because it’s not the challenge it was early on, though new challenges always present themselves. It’s also one of the most beautiful and rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m more proud of it than most things in my life, even though it’s something biological that the majority of women around the world do, that has been done for millennia.
I had to work really hard to get things to work, with twin, premature, low birthweight babies. I’m not even sure why it was so important to me to exclusively breastfeed early on, but I do know that I was extremely motivated to do so, fearful of failure, and willing to forgo sleep and sanity to get there. Looking back, I think that some of it was that getting pregnant wasn’t particularly easy for me; staying pregnant toward the end became challenging and scary, and I felt like I failed my babies because they were born early and my body couldn’t keep them safe for as long as it should have. So as much as possible, I tried to get control over breastfeeding, of nurturing my babies now that they were in the world.
Here is a somewhat haphazard list of some of my experiences with breastfeeding:
§ I’ve had sore nipples, cracked nipples, bleeding nipples, engorgement, painful letdown, clogged ducts, mastitis, milk blisters, and hickeys.
§ My breasts have been sucked, bitten, scratched, elbowed, punched, pinched, kicked, licked, tickled, and kissed.
§ I’ve tried football hold, double football hold, cradle hold, double cradle hold, cross cradle hold, side lying, double side lying, baby sitting, and baby standing.
§ I’ve tandem nursed with a tandem nursing pillow, in the big giant nursing chair, on the couch, in my bed, in the guest bed, in my MIL’s bed, in the guest bed at my father’s, in a hotel bed, on the floor, in a doctor’s office, and at mommy group.
§ I’ve single nursed (in addition to all the above) in the NICU, in a public bathroom, in a changing room, in the car, on the car, on a park bench, on the grass, at friends’, at relatives’, at parties, in restaurants, in my office, at daycare, in a museum, at a convention center, at the grange fair, and at the arts festival.
§ I’ve tandem nursed in front of my husband, the nanny, my friends, my mother, my sister, doctors, nurses, and lactation consultants.
§ I’ve single nursed in front of (in addition to the above) my father, my MIL and FIL and BIL and SIL and FSIL, my niece and nephews, lots more friends, lots more family, colleagues, students, daycare caregivers, other kids, other kids’ parents, and a whole lot of strangers.
§ I’ve pumped in front of my husband, the nanny, my mother, my sister, my friends, doctors, nurses, and lactation consultants (and once accidentally, my nephew).
§ I’ve used breast pumps (Lactina, Pump N Style, Symphony), Lansinoh, nipple shields, breast pads, nursing bras, nursing shirts, nursing pajamas, antibiotics, topical steroid cream, milk storage bags, nursing pillows, Boppies, baby scales, microwave cleaning bags, hot compresses, cold compresses, books, websites, and blogs.
§ I’ve pumped, fortified, refrigerated, frozen, defrosted, labeled, thrown out, donated, bottled, served, warmed, tasted, mixed with cereal… breast milk.
§ I have cried over spilled breast milk.
§ I have worried about mastitis, thrush, abscesses, low supply, oversupply, food allergies, biting, latching, overeating, undereating, vomiting, spitting up, nipple confusion, and bottle refusal.
§ I have used nursing to soothe, get over shots, get to sleep, feed, quench thirst, comfort, show love, cuddle, and play.
§ While nursing I have rested, slept, talked, talked on the phone, attended meetings, attended phone meetings, worked, graded, typed, surfed, watched TV, read, drank, eaten, written thank you cards, and bounced, sang to, and held another baby.
§ While pumping I have talked, talked on the phone, attended phone meetings, watched TV, read, bounced a baby, sang to a baby, and held a baby.
§ While nursing I have received sighs, grunts, moans, smiles, giggles, caresses, cuddles, and the finger.
§ None of this would have been possible without the support of an amazing husband who was home most of the time early on to bottle feed and change and hold babies, a 20 hour a week nanny for 6 months, two healthy babies willing to figure it out with me, lactation consultants in the NICU and on phone and e-mail and in my living room, a daycare in the same building as my office, friends and family supportive of breastfeeding, my pump, blogs of other women with multiples showing me it is possible, and the fact that I am the most stubborn person in the world, unwilling to quit or even partially give up in the face of what at times felt like an unachievable task
§ My best estimate is that I have produced 17,130 ounces of breast milk, or 134 gallons. That’s equivalent to 2 ½ gallon cartons of milk every week for a year.
§ I have breastfed twin babies every day, every 2 to 3 hours, averaging 7 to 12 times a day EACH for 365 days
§ I wouldn’t change it for the world.
We were supposed to try milk last weekend but then I got sick and then Sarah got sick so then maybe this weekend. Then Eric was sick and we didn’t get around to it. I was supposed to start dropping the in person 11:30 feeding at daycare (change it to defrosted breast milk and eventually cow’s milk) the first week of classes but we’re about to start the 4th week of classes and I was there every day, 9:30, 11:30, 3:00. For a year during the day, I’ve needed to either nurse the babes or pump every two hours, so I’ve been unable to have long breaks from breastfeeding. Even though I’m looking forward to the increased freedom and flexibility of dropping the working hours nursing sessions, I’m also ambivalent and sad about it. To me that will mark the true end of their babyhood, the true end of my being a mother of twin babies, when I start to work 8 hour days without stopping in to see them every 2 hours. With the birthday a lot of people have been asking me when I’ll stop nursing, and I just don’t know. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation is “Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.” The World Health Organization recommendation is “infants should be exclusively breastfed for the first six months of life to achieve optimal growth, development and health. Thereafter, to meet their evolving nutritional requirements, infants should receive nutritionally adequate and safe complementary foods while breastfeeding continues for up to two years of age or beyond.” I will need to cut out working hours breastfeeding, and the plan is to cut back about one (there are currently three) of these per week until they’re all replaced with remaining frozen breast milk and/or cow’s milk. I’d love to cut out night nursing though not simultaneously with working hours nursing. After that, we’ll see what we do with the remaining 3 daytime sessions (first wake up, post-daycare, and pre-bed). Right now it works for the three (four) of us. In a 2002 study, 16% of women (not twin-specific) were still breastfeeding at one year. Can I give myself a small pat on the back?
To me, being a mother and breastfeeding are inseparably tied. I’m sure that once I stop nursing my relationship with Jordan and Sarah will change and evolve, but right now it’s an integral part of our relationship. Although these days sometimes they’re distracted, when the moments are right, they’re perfect. Laying face to face with Jordan in the middle of the night, his head in the crook of my arm, his hand gripping my thumb, listening to him sigh and caressing his baby head. Or nursing him at daycare, forgetting the chaos around us and making him laugh because I tickled his foot with my nose or used his hand to bop myself in the head. Nursing Sarah first thing in the morning when she’s just waking up, with her eyes closed and snuggled in my arms, caressing her stomach and back and legs. Or nursing her when we first get home from daycare, having her try to feed me her bracelet and laugh when I rub her puppy’s ear across her face. Each time I tandem feed in the middle of the night with a double wake up, wondering if this is indeed the last time the three of us will be together like this, with their bodies wrapped around mine, their heads touching, their breath in synch. Babyhood is such a short instant in our lives, and I treasure all of these moments with each of them. I’ll miss it and not miss it and never forget it.
Mastitis again. New and improved, this time with nausea and vomiting.
Started antibiotics yesterday at noon. Am definitely feeling better. Thank goodness — last night I was super shivery and went to bed at 8:00. I actually took my temperature at bedtime and it was 101.9. Today it’s normal though, and I’m definitely recovering.
Last night, though, our longest sleep cycle was about 1 hour, 10 minutes. The kiddos have been rough in the sleep department this week. We’re pretty tired.
On that note, another early bedtime for me tonight. Thanks for your support! And if you’re wondering what I was doing posting all those photos and stories while sick, don’ t worry, I wrote/uploaded them ages ago, and just made them live last night and tonight.
Protected: A not so fun first
Published August 3, 2007 breastfeeding , oy vey Enter your password to view comments.Protected: And now a break from our vacation
Published August 2, 2007 breastfeeding , daycare , food , language , questions , sleep Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Exploring
Published July 17, 2007 breastfeeding , photos , together Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Strike one
Published June 12, 2007 breastfeeding , firsts , food , questions , statistics Enter your password to view comments.I just returned to my computer after holding a screaming, wriggling, back arching boy of about 19 pounds. Now a sane person, if holding something heavy and loud and trying to get away, might release said thing, but instead, I did all I could to calm it. Did I mention I’ve had a headache for the past 3 days?
When I thought about motherhood in the past I believe I focused on the emotional aspects of being a mom. Which are there, and are great. It’s not that I didn’t know that motherhood would be physical to some extent – I knew you had to rock babies and wipe their butts and noses and that breastfeeding is a physical act. But until I became a mother I don’t think I realized just how physical it all is.
And some of the physical stuff is great. I carried these two babies inside me for about 8 months and I loved them then. Sometimes when I was pregnant we would be in the living room and I would feel someone kick (usually Baby B, aka Sarah) and I would caress my belly and say to Eric “I love them so much.” And my eyes would well with tears in some weird soup of hormones and discomfort and exhaustion. So it was very physical from the start, even before I really met them.
Sometimes now I can’t stop kissing them. I will be holding Jordan or Sarah and I feel compelled to kiss him/her, and I don’t know if I can stop. They often laugh the hardest at physical things, like having their bellies kissed or tickled, or playing with their feet, or talking into their necks. So even the humor in our house is physical these days.
But there are other ways that are physical that are exhausting or draining. I wear the wounds of a mama. Sarah and Jordan scratch, and even though we cut their nails twice a week (that’s 40 nails per week) it still hurts. They now like to knead my breast while they’re nursing, and I’m constantly pulling fingers out of me and am covered in little scratches. Just this week Sarah started slapping me while she’s nursing, especially if she’s tired, over and over again. They also like to pull my hair. When I’m nursing I don’t really notice how strong their suck is, but sometimes they suck on an arm, or miss and suck on another part of my breast, and it leaves a black and blue mark. And now, with teeth, they bite. I know they are not trying to hurt me and don’t realize what they’re doing, but it still hurts. I am in a perpetual state of physical exhaustion, and this dates back to pregnancy, too, so we’re well over a year of constant exhaustion. I am constantly sleep deprived, and when I do sleep I’m lucky to get two hour chunks.
But there are beautiful physical moments as well. When Jordan or Sarah is calm and nursing, it is really delightful. I look down at him/her, realize that my body is nourishing my baby. Sarah never stays still, so sometimes will gently reach a hand up to touch my hair, or will kick her little feet. Jordan sometimes cuddles in very close and stares up into my eyes and comes off to smile. And sometimes when I have one of them in bed at night, it is breathtaking. Sarah will rest her head on my breast and keep one hand on the other one. Jordan will sometimes lie next to me, face-to-face, and have one arm on my chest and one leg over my leg. These beautiful moments of them sleeping at night, or napping on me, or slowly dozing off while breastfeeding (notice all the moments I currently think are beautiful involve them asleep) are so physical, so tactile, and so amazing.
Bath time is another very physical ritual we have. I now bathe with each of them, one at a time. Although Sarah can sit on her own she likes to drink the bath water and neither of them realizes yet the dangers of the tub. So I hold Jordan in my lap, swish him around and play, wash his hair, wash his face, wash his body, turn him over to wash his back, rinse him, pass him to Eric, and do it all over with Sarah. When Sarah and I get out of the tub I wrap towels around us, and now she wraps her legs around me to hold on tight, and grins until I put her down for Eric to dress her (she doesn’t stop grinning because it’s Eric — whom she adores — it’s the being put down part that’s not her fave).
I never really thought of trust as physical, but it makes sense to me now. Remember as a kid, the trust game, where you were supposed to fall back into one or more people’s arms? I could never do that. It didn’t matter who the person was, I never felt safe doing it. But Sarah and Jordan physically trust me. That I won’t drop them. That I’ll keep them warm and dry and safe. Even though I sometimes have doubts myself. Tonight after his wake up, I held Jordan until he fell back asleep, and as I was carrying him back upstairs, I saw the level of comfort he had being held by me, that could only be described as trust. It’s such a physical connection I have with these babes. And I love it, war wounds and all.
Protected: Dancing
Published May 18, 2007 breastfeeding , firsts , sleep Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Random updates
Published May 10, 2007 breastfeeding , daycare , firsts , musings Enter your password to view comments.Protected: Tooth watch 2007, Part 4
Published April 27, 2007 breastfeeding , firsts , Sarah Enter your password to view comments.So, for all my whining about the transition to daycare and my guilt over being a mother who put her child in daycare, it dawned on me last week that I am really a fake. I am not a real daycare parent. Real daycare parents drop their kids off some time between 8:00 and 9:00, pick them up around 5:00, and don’t see them in between.
Me, I visit them at least every two hours, spending about half an hour out of every two hours there. Some visits it’s more if someone is upset when I visit; or someone is sleeping when I go down so I have to come back; or the caregivers are really busy and it’s not totally clear to whom I should hand off the recently fed baby so I hang out a while; or the kiddos are acting particularly precious and I just can’t leave. I calculate that I do an average of 8 nursings a day, and of course, I interact before and after each feeding, even if only for a bit. I know the names of all of the 14 other children in there; all 4 permanent caregivers; and most of the student interns. I know the personalities and food allergies of most of the children, who is a good napper, who loves babies (one girl adores Sarah and Jordan, her eyes light up when we walk in, and she always wants to touch them and help them). I know Jordan and Sarah’s nap schedules not from pieces of paper, but because they just woke up or just went to sleep when I visit.
Friday I had several consecutive meetings, so I brought Sarah upstairs for one of them and nursed her while I met with my student. She spent an hour in my office. Then in the afternoon I brought Jordan up for an hour because there were grumblings that Sarah had been up three times in two weeks and Jordan never, and I was feeling like I was giving preferential treatment.
So I do not know what it truly feels like to be a mother with kids in daycare. To leave your children for 8 or more hours and only know what those hours were like based on some else’s report. On the other hand, I am so grateful for this time, this current lifestyle. Because of my sabbatical, my scheduled time is at a minimum. I am able to have this flexibility. And because of the location of the daycare, I am able to nurse them rather than pump and have the caregivers provide bottles. And they are already more than 7 months old, so the time that they will need me so much, that they will be so physically tied to me, is quite limited. While they do, I feel lucky to be able to indulge them. Don’t get me wrong, I have moments where I’m exhausted by the constant need, frustrated by the inability to do anything in more than 1 ½ hour chunks, jealous of Eric being able to drop them off and be done with them (though many days he visits them at some point) But I feel lucky to be able to spend so much time with them for their first year, even if it means I’m cheating at daycare.
The LL Family 
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